Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
