First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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