So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
