Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize