dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
