why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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