I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
