So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
