hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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