There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
