Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
