Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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