Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
