Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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