Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
