Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
