dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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