Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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