just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
