New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
