is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
