No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
