Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
