Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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