Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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