I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
