I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
