This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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