Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
