He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
