I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
