Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
