He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can you bring me the toilet please
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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