Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
