Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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