i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
