i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
