We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
