I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
