my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
