Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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