Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
