So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
