I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
