I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
