I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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