haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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