she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
