Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
