I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
