I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
