like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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