I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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