Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
two words...techno handjob
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
