so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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