You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
