my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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