I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
