Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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